Lavender and Chamomile

Your silence in a crowded room, louder than the loudest tune.

Failure to act is an action in and of itself. Blame me if you must, but I don’t see you doing a thing to fix this. What have you EVER done? What steps have you EVER taken? Because from where I’m standing, you look like you’re in the same place as always. After 17 years of making the first move, it’s not my turn anymore. If you want it fixed, you fix it. You’d be the first.

And am I just one more lost cause

on your great big list?

Speak of love now, all you want

But would you die for this?

Would you even try for this?

Everything hurts. 

Reminds me of our younger and more genuine days

Seeing him today. Talking with him. Laughing. It was…not strange at all in a strange kind of way. 

And it’s funny how context can change how you see someone completely. Back then, he was always the older brother. Her older brother. When we had sleepovers, he would come home in the middle of the night and stay up and joke with us until his claims of “going to bed” were rendered completely meaningless. Always one foot on the stairs - but one foot down here, downstairs, with us, where he really meant it. And it’s funny how today, I remember far more of what he said that night than I do of the tapestry of words that she spun for me.

But anyway, back to today. Today…today was bittersweet. It was hope, and pain. A reminder of everything I’d lost…but a new realization that maybe things are not always quite as bad as I thought. He certainly isn’t. And I’m thankful to have discovered that today. 

He was the first person to be bewildered. He was the first person to ask me what went wrong in all this. He was the first person to say that he thought our bond was unbreakable. Quite possibly the first person to really understand. And he said it was good to talk to me, and I think he really meant it. And I know I meant it from the bottom of my heart. I’m not sure why exactly, but there’s something about coming across a piece of a world that you used to belong to that makes you stake a lot on what you find. I found peace today. A clumsy, tiny sort of peace. But peace nonetheless. I found all the good things about that world, with all the deception and judgment and manipulation and despair taken out. And it was beautiful, it really was. It reminded me of everything I ever wanted…the way that I tried so hard to make things be. And so yeah, it was bittersweet - because I’ve lost all that and the chance to make it. But right now, I’m really feeling the sweet side. I mean, he’s a really genuinely nice guy and it’s a pleasure to talk to him. But I think it goes deeper than that. See, up until now I had thought that there was just this whole world, this whole huge world which I used to belong to…and now that I didn’t, I just had to shut it off. Put up the tape and say “don’t go there”. But seeing him…having him talk to me like a person…tell me about little JoJo throwing a rock at their truck (seriously, just picked it up and threw it right at the truck! This kid listens to too much Carrie Underwood, is my best guess)…well, it made me feel like maybe there were parts of that world that could still be redeemed. Maybe I don’t need to quarantine…just to proceed with extreme caution. EXTREME caution. 

But anyway, regardless of any metaphysical implications, our conversation today felt a lot like healing. Do you know what he said to me? He said he was gonna drag her by the feet if he had to, and make her come to church and sit next to me. And although this would be disastrous in practice, the sentiment ran deep. He doesn’t hate me. I’ve never done anything to him. He’s sorry to hear about us, and wishes things were different. That’s more than I can say for anyone else. I think in some small way, he understood all the implications of our failed relationship. And maybe his world changed a little bit too, when he heard that this unbreakable bond had been broken. I wish it were that simple, I said to him. And I do, I truly do. If it were that simple, maybe she’d be with me here tonight. If it were that simple, maybe I could play her song without breaking down halfway through. If it were that simple, our memories would still be beautiful instead of a thousand tiny knives. 

But this is a blog for another night. 

Point is, I ran into a piece of the past today - and it wasn’t quite so bad as I thought. In fact, it was beautiful. 

A tune that only caged birds know

Okay, first of all: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2P-i_5skhsU 

Yeah, that. I love that video. At first, it was just because I couldn’t comprehend having the confidence and security to sit there in a subway full of strangers and play a ukulele. Much less a song that you’d written on said ukulele.

But back it up a second, I know this girl. I mean, not really know her. I met her once. I don’t think we even formally met. Last Spring, I went to a girls’ conference at a friend’s church, and Jessica led worship for us one night. So just to clarify, she probably doesn’t even know who I am. But I thought hey, this girl is famous and at one point I was in the same room with her, and that was pretty interesting to me. So I downloaded her song, and in the process I came across

this: http://www.thislifeinwriting.com/

Yeah, that. Wow. It’s CHOCK full of beauty and truth. Which happen to be two of my favorite things in the whole world.

      Example:

being shy is a good excuse for letting someone else do the talking at the drive- thru window, maybe; but there is no good excuse for missing out on what’s so vibrantly around you. The people. The rainstorms. The books. The places. The questions. The answers. The humor. The challenges. The growth.

So anyway, I’ve spent the past two days eating up all I can get of that blog. And long story short, here is THIS one. I’ve always wanted to blog, but I’m not interesting and I don’t have the power to create beauty out of words like so many others can. However. Jessica’s blog has got me walking around thinking life is beautiful, and maybe things will turn out okay after all. And in the long run, it doesn’t matter if anyone thinks my blog is interesting or beautiful, because I really feel that just the act of writing it will make me more interesting and more beautiful, and maybe if I practice here where no one will really see me, then eventually I can make something worth seeing.